Unspoken Lens: Peter S.
Unspoken Lens: Peter S.
6/15/2021
David Rim
I have always had trouble dealing with death. Over the countless years I have trained myself to continually come at peace with death & pain. To a place where my heart is numb or indifferent may be a better word. However, these past couple years have whirled by quickly. My routine has not changed much, but my appreciation for certain things in life have lit up like a supernova in the bright sky. As a recent event occurred in my life that I cannot take back. The timing could not have been more ironic, tragic, and brings me back full circle to God. I am frustrated (for the lack of fitting words) that I lack so much still. For this timing was almost the worst case scenarios that has come.
We have a world pandemic that's been going on. It forced everyone to adapt. The rising awareness of hatred, darkness and corruption was starting to be lit up. As the pressure built up like a rice cooker people started to increasingly become depressed, anxiety ridden, and just mentally unstable. I ran into you while playing cards because I had kept trying to hustle. Last you updated me was that you got more certifications, paid down your house, and was going to build a home in your hometown near your parents. You spent a good amount of time back at home with family. I always thought you were awesome, since I still have not found my pathway in life. At least on the financial aspects. But you were willing to bring me out of my hiding place. Called me out for my birthday during that one Sunday I brought you to church. I have been so long out of touch with social interactions that everything felt so foreign too me. Something like God kept whispering things too my heart that you stayed in my prayers.
I do not know much about your history. Nor did I have enough strength to ask. Part of it is how I am now. It is not that I do not care about the details. But who you are now and where you are going is what's important, so your past can stay hidden if you want it to be. I know you said you deal with PT and depression. However, I do not understand what that ever means. You briefly mentioned past trauma, but also had some goals for the future. I wanted to help you alongside your journey, but felt I had nothing to offer of value ever. Here God brought me a person who was revitalizing me to step out into the world more. As I told you when we went to eat briefly that "I do not know what I will do if you pass away". I just never dealt with death well ever since my father passed away in middle school. I know I would be sad. Enough to piss off my coworker because I refused to work at the end of my shift where I just saw the news.
Come check this timing out. At the end of May I had a few days extra off. I went to get my vaccine shots, but you said you wanted to hang out and have a poker get together. I allocated my time quietly and waited patiently. Things kept getting pushed back and nothing ever happened. Now I have to go back to regularly scheduled work. I have next week off man a few more days. Your birthday and my Moms birthday back to back. I need the extra day of rest from the added stress of work to the point where I'm breaking down mentally. Fuck man this news hits hard. Your funeral was the day I was at work and you passed a week ago (fuck). I also know we have a mutual friend the one that you are pretty close too. It hurt because I can read in-between the lies. I do not know much, but we share a common story. How your kind soul leant 600 to help another soul. Now, from the looks of it she was able to share some of your pain and suffering. In return somehow she's been able to keep you energized just a little more through the years. There are quite a bit more intricacies and stories you shared. Never complained unless it was something random about poker. You were playing pretty poorly then when I saw you on the return you played like a boss. You said you were going through some hard times and all I said was glad you're back and this version of you is strong.
The problem right now is depression I do not understand. That mixed in with suicidal thoughts. Its a delicate subject where I know words can be a double-edge sword. Which, the words of "I'd be better dead" coming off of multiple co workers fucking piss me off. Like death isn't too be taken lightly and some people have dark humor. But there's a fucking fine line and I know how close they are too the edge. The people that understand me better get what I am trying to say. I am firm enough where my foundation will never be shaken. I just find I am not strong enough alone to find the light in every situation. My strength alone is not enough. I also have been wanting to reallocate my time, but its a long time coming. I have not given you enough light
I know Peter my words probably do not mean much and my actions were always so weak hearted. Save me a poker seat at the tables in heaven for me~